all my life, i've been afraid of one thing. That i will be alone, at the end of the day, no matter how good i was, no matter how wonderful i can be to people.
living my live, i intensely looking for love, for someone who cares, for anyone who can put aside my insecurity.. insecurity of myself, of my life, of the fact that no matter how hard i try, no matter how nice i am, i am all alone.
all my life, i've been struggling so hard.. keeping up with time so that i shall have no spare time to feel the loneliness.. keeping up doing this and that, here and there, so that i will have no empty time alone.. keeping up caring for other people, hoping that i will have never need to be alone when i need someone to be there.
all my life.. ive been taking chances on finding someone new, so that i will have lots of possible answer when i call, lots of possible hands when i'm down.. lots of possible shoulder when i'm broken..
coz i know.. nobody could always be there for one person.
but those, what i am doing for all my life, returning to more depression.. knowing that no matter many people i have, how hard i try, how nice i can be, i always feel this hollow inside me.. that one start leads to one end.. one meet leads to one lost.. one attachment leads to one disappoinment..
and for those facts.. i see myself walking on my biggest fear.
it weakened me. it breaks me. it torments me.
should i just stop trying, stop asking, stop greeting, stop meeting.. coz when my today's friends are gone, i will have nobody, and when i dont have nobody, then i will have no cause to feel hollow and to be sad about.
and yeah.. i know i will also stop smiling, by that time.
